Don't Look Back In Anger
by iorwen
Summary: This is about how the Oceanic 6 got off the island, those left behind and the consequence of their choices. Jack/Juliet pairing but some Jate implied Final Chapter up
1. Chapter 1

Title: Don't Look Back In Anger

Title: Don't Look Back In Anger

Rating: NC-17 for future sex

Pairing: Jack/Juliet

Disclaimer: I don't own Lost or its characters

Author's Note: This will be a WIP, it's going to be different as Jack and Juliet will be parted from the beginning but don't get excited, there will be FB smut!

Warning: There will constitute Jate (not sexually, come on! Look who the writer is, but yeah she'll be in it)

Chp 1

He sat in the dark, damp parking lot and waited. The smell of exhaust fumes exasperating his fatigue. He just wanted to sleep, but he knew if he closed his eyes, all he would see was her. The thought alone sent a stabbing pain to his heart.

Hearing footsteps, he dragged his body out of his jeep and headed towards the waiting cab.

"Hey."

"How did you know I'd be here?" the brunette asked with just a hint of a smile.

"Uh, you're lawyer gave me the heads up. He owed me one."

"Thank you for saying what you did."

"You're welcome," he replies and stares off into the distance.

It's hard to look at her, the one he managed to save, unlike the one he didn't.

"You know Jack, I've heard you say that story so many times, I'm starting to think you believe it," she tells him, trying to find something to break the tension.

"I just, I just wanted to tell you that what I said in there…I didn't mean it," he tells her and they're both taken aback by the confession.

He thought his bond with her broke the day they got off the island. She thought it broke the day the blonde pressed her hand up to the glass.

"Do you want to follow me? Come by for a visit?" she asks hoping they could reconnect but deep down she knew it wasn't going to happen. He ached for something else, someone else, and she and her son were only a reminder of who was left behind.

"Uh, I actually have to get over to the hospital. But, um, maybe you and I could grab some coffee together or something."

Her smile fades into a frown, but she tries to show him sympathy, "I know why you don't want to see the baby, Jack. But until you do, until you want to, there's no you and me going for coffee."

He nods like he understands even though somewhere inside him he's screaming why. Why doesn't she understand?

"But if at anytime you change your mind, come and see us."

He looks away again and answers, "Yeah. Okay."

"Bye," she tells him with a resolute sigh, and gets into the cab.

"Bye," he says.

Kate missed it. Missed his point, what he wanted from her, what he needed. He ached to sit beside someone who knew. Someone that for just five minutes would sit with him, drinking overpriced coffee and just be. Someone he didn't have to pretend with, to lie to. Someone he didn't have to act like it didn't all go terribly wrong. But then again, Kate was never one to look back, she only ran forward.

…..

_"Are you sure?" Hurley asked with desperate hope in his voice, "Are you sure more of us couldn't fit in?"_

_Jack nodded, "There's no way this Cessna is going to take off with more than five of us."_

_"Well then, there's only one thing to do," Sayid said stepping forward, "Jack will have to begin by piloting the women off first."_

_"Okay," Jack agreed before Desmond pushed through the small crowd gathered around the plane._

_"There's no way that plane is taking off without me brother."_

_"Look Des, I'm coming back," Jack said but Desmond knew, without having one of his flashes, that there was no coming back to this place, he just knew._

_"No way, I'm on that plane."_

_The crowd began to argue over who had the most right to leave. Finally Sawyer hollered for everyone to shut up._

_"You can all draw lots," he said._

_"I don't know if that's a way to decide who should go James."_

_"Why not? I'd have bet you'd have loved the idea John. I mean, if it's their destiny to leave, then they'll leave. Right John?" Sawyer replied sarcastically._

_Locke gave the Southerner a smirk._

_"Seems fair," Kate said._

_"What?" Jack asked in surprise. _

_She shrugged and began to look around for some twigs. She broke them into different sizes and handed them to Jack._

_"Since we know you're the only pilot that gives you an automatic seat. You hand them out to decide the other four."_

_Jack reluctantly took the sticks from Kate and lined them up in the palm of his hand. He started with Claire, then Hurley, Desmond, Kate, Jin and Sun, then Sawyer._

_"Not me Doc," he told him and stepped back._

_"Why not?" Jack asked in curiosity._

_Sawyer looked once at Kate then shook his head._

_"Nothing to go back for."_

_Jack wondered at his words but moved on._

_"Rose and I won't be drawing either," Bernard told him._

_"You sure Rose?" Jack asked._

_"Yes Jack, I'm positive," she said and took hold of her husband's hand._

_Finally Sayid took one, then Juliet._

_"Ready?" Jack asked her._

_She took a deep breath placing her hands around Jack's clenched fist. Juliet closed her eyes for a moment then took one of the twigs._

_"Okay," Jack said, "The four longest get to go."_

_On a count of three they all opened their hands to reveal what they had chosen. Kate let out a little gasp of relief. She looked at Jack and smiled widely. He smiled back._

_"Looks like you're out of here amigo," Sawyer said to Hurley._

_"I was always lucky," Hugo said in a melancholy voice._

_Jack turned to Juliet, "Well?"_

_She smiled broadly at him and his shoulders fell in relief._

_"Looks like I'm the last of the four," Sayid said._

_"We should get going then," Kate said. _

_She was never one for goodbyes, never could stand it as she turned her back on Sawyer. "We don't know when he'll be back."_

_Sayid agreed and he pulled Hurley apart from Claire's arms and towards the plane._

_"What about me?" Desmond cried out._

_"I'm sorry," Jack said,_

_"But I need to, I need to see Penny!"_

_Jack winced at Desmond's desperation, at all the other's disappointment. _

_"Come on Juliet," Jack said gravely but she stood rooted on the spot._

_"What's wrong?" he asked looking into her blue eyes, flooded with tears._

_"I can't," she said and looked back at the crowd, "Sun," she called out to the Asian woman who gripped her husband's hand tightly in fear._

_"Juliet, I know what you're thinking but don't," Jack pleaded._

_"I have too," she said then motioned for Sun to come over._

_"Sun has to get on that plane," she explained then turned to a baffled Sun, "You'll go instead of me," she told her._

_"But Juliet, without Jin I can't."_

_"Listen to me Sun," Juliet said gripping her shoulders, "You remember what I told you. You need to go."_

_"Yes," Jin agreed and began to speak desperately in Korean._

_Jack pulled Juliet aside._

_"You can't be serious," Jack said._

_"I need to do this Jack. She'll die if she doesn't get off the island. She'll die and so will her baby."_

_"I'm coming back," Jack told her._

_"I know. And I'll be here, waiting, but Sun needs to go now."_

_"Then let one of the others, Sayid. Let me talk to him, I'm sure he'll,"_

_"No Jack. I need to do this, she's my responsibility. And we don't even know where Ben is. You need Sayid. You need him to keep you safe, to help you get out of here," she said, her voice cracking with emotion._

_Jack's bottom lip began to tremble._

_"I can't let you do this, I can't go without you."_

_Juliet's tears were flowing freely down her face. "Jack, I need to do this. I need to save her. All of them died Jack and I sat by unable to do anything. I can't just walk away knowing I could have saved Sun. I have to. I have to save at least one."_

_Jack knew she was right but his heart couldn't let go._

_"I promised, I promised," he said struggling to speak, "We'd do it together."_

_"And we are Jack. You'll be back for me," she said and drew him into a tight embrace, "I know you'll come back."_

_He held her tightly, too tightly, but he felt like he couldn't get close enough, that she was already slipping away from him. Juliet cupped his tear stained cheeks in her hands and looked deep into his eyes._

_"I'll wait for you Jack Shephard, I'll wait for you forever," she said before kissing him deeply, "Now go."_

_She pushed him onward towards the plane. He pleaded one last time with his eyes before accepting her decision._

_"Sawyer!" he cried out and the blonde sauntered over to him, "You take care of her. You keep her safe understand?"_

_"Yeah Doc, I hear you."_

_Jack nodded, biting down on his lower lip then got into the plane. He hesitated slightly before starting the engine._

_As the plane began to roll, Claire ran up to the cockpit banging on the door._

_"You have to take him; you have to take Aaron," she cried, "Kate you have to take my baby."_

_Before Kate could say anything Claire shoved the baby into her arms._

_"Wait Claire I can't," she began to protest but Jack had already shut the door. _

_"I love you Aaron," Claire said choking on her tears, "Mommy loves you!"_

_The plane pulled away and was gone before anyone could change their minds. Desmond running along with it, his arms lifted to the skies in protest._

…_._

_The Cessna landed bumpily on a private airstrip in Fiji._

_"Oh my god, we did it," Kate said holding Aaron tightly to her chest, "We really made it off the island."_

_Their legs were shaky as they stepped onto the tarmac, looking around them in a daze of confusion and disbelief._

_"Where is everyone?" Hurley asked._

_The air around them was silent except the hum of the engine winding down._

_"Hello Jack," a familiar voice came from behind._

_Jack whipped around to see Benjamin Linus walking up to the small group of survivors._

_"Here's how this is all going to work."_


	2. Chapter 2

**Chp. 2**

Jack Shephard starred mindlessly into the dark of his coffee cup, the steam slightly scalding his skin. He didn't feel it; all he felt was the ache of another day without her. Another day of lies and pretending. He got up and walked to the kitchen sink, pouring the remnants of caffeine down the drain as the drone of the television buzzed in the background. If he was going to do this, if he was going to face the day, he'd need something stronger than the jolt of the java been.

Jack stepped up to the mini bar, and set a half filled glass of orange juice on the counter. The newswoman was describing yet another LA car chase, common entertainment since the Simpson trial. He sighed as he dropped a few ice cubes in and untwisted the cap off the vodka bottle. He measured more than he knew was good for him and brought the cup up to his lips.

"The camero…"

Jack looked up.

"Damn it!"

….

Juliet fell to her knees on the cold tiled floor and gripped the seat with her hands.

"You ridding the porcelain pony again Blondie?"

"I'm fine," she muttered to Sawyer before proceeding to throw up again.

Sawyer pursed his lips in disgust.

"You don't sound fine."

"It's this damn flu, I can't seem to shake it," she said.

Sawyer walked into the bathroom and ran the cold water faucet. He dampened a hand towel and then gave it to her.

"Thanks James," she said and held it to her mouth.

His hand came up to her forehead, startling her by the sudden touch.

"You don't have a fever," he said.

"No?" she questioned, brushing his arm away, "Must be a sign I'm getting better. I think I'll go lie down though," she said and scurried off to her room.

Closing the door behind her, Juliet lay down on the bed and held a pillow to her chest.

"Jack," she whimpered into it, "Where are you?"

….

"Do you ever miss?" he asked as the echo of the bouncing ball filled the gymnasium.

"Jack," Hurley proclaims with a surprised smile across his face.

"Yeah, I was on my way back from a consult. Thought I'd drop by and pay you a visit. Horse?" he asks and Hurley bounces the basketball once and nods.

"You're on. So consult huh? Does that mean you're back doing surgical stuff?"

Jack hates the feel of scrubs against his skin. Hates the sight of them. They remind him of her, of badly held clamps, of her fear and his empty reassurances. But he wasn't going to take the money, his money, never, ever was he going to do that.

"Yeah," Jack answers.

Hurley shoots, and scores. Jack shoots; the ball hits the rim and falls, missing the net.

"H," Jack calls out.

"Reporters leaving you alone?" Hurley asks as he makes another shot.

"Yeah. Still have to sign some autographs when I go out for coffee," he says then remembers he hasn't had any. His tongue runs along the inside of his mouth and he wonders if the alcohol is detectable on his breath.

"Thinking about growing a beard," he states out of the blue.

He shoots and watches as the ball twirls round the rim. Will it go in? Can he make it? No, Jack can't make it. Jack misses.

"You'd look weird with a beard, dude," Hurley tells him but misses the clue. The need Jack has to run away, to hide from who he's become is creeping up on him like a long, dark shadow, all consuming in its darkness. He doesn't like the man he's become, can't stand to see his face in the mirror. He thinks he can't change so he aches to hide, to disappear from people's expectations of him, from life.

"That's H.O. So, what are you really doing here Jack?"

"I was just checking on you, seeing if everything was o.k."

"Checking to see if I was nuts, if I was going to tell."

"Are you?" Jack asks.

A part of him is begging Hurley will say no, he knows they need to keep quiet. But a part of him wants his friend to scream it from the hill tops, to lift this burden of deceit from their chests.

"You're up," Hurley says instead.

"Nah, you win. I er, I got to run. It was great seeing you Hurley."

Suddenly Jack can't stand to be there, can't get away fast enough.

"I'm sorry," Hurley calls out, stopping Jack at the door, "I'm sorry I went with Locke, I should have stayed with you."

Thoughts of, "Fuck You," run through Jack's head.

"Its water under the bridge, man," he tells Hurley.

"I don't think we did the right thing, Jack. I think it wants us to come back."

"Hurley," Jack says stopping him. He doesn't want to hear more. If he does, if he does…

"And it's going to do everything it can."

"We're never going back!" Jack shouts before turning his back on his friend.

"Never say never, dude," echoes in Jack's brain as he stumbles to the nearest bar.

….

_"Ben," Jack spat the distasteful name out._

_"Let's skip the chit chat and get right down to business, shall we?" Ben said gripping an attaché case in his left hand._

_"You're survivors of Oceanic 815. 8 of you survived the initial crash that fateful day but only the six of you survived past those first harrowing days," Ben said opening up his briefcase and handing out his version of events, perfectly typed on an old school typewriter, for them all to learn._

_"Those are your stories, learn them, memorize them because this is your life now."_

_Jack crumpled the paper in his hand and tossed it away. Ben, without batting an eyelash, continued._

_"Kate, you were the heroine, pulling people from the watery wreckage. Aaron is your son, yours and Jack's," he said a hint of a smile on his face._

_"What?" Kate asked._

_"You heard me, Miss Austin," Ben told her._

_"And why would I go along with that?"_

_"Because Kate," Ben said stepping closer to her, "In about an hour from now, US Federal officers will be here and they're going to arrest you and take you into custody. I can get you off, rig your trial, set you free."_

_"And why would the rest of us go along with your twisted little plan?" Sayid asked in curiosity._

_"Sayid you'll play along because I know where the one person you ache for is. I know where Nadia is."_

_Sayid starred wide eyed at him._

_"That's right," Ben said nodding and moving forward._

_He stood in front of Sun and reached out his hand, placing it on her stomach. She wanted to recoil from his touch but when Korean began to flow effortlessly from his mouth, she was rooted to the spot._

_"Hugo," Ben said, "You don't want another trip to the asylum do you? Put your poor mother through more pain?"_

_"Uh, no,' Hurley said shaking his head._

_"There's nothing you can have on me to make me go along with your plan," Jack spat._

_"Nothing?" Ben questioned, "What about someone?"_

_Jack walked closer to Ben, his 6 foot 2 frame, towering over the spectacled man._

_"I know Ben, she told me," he almost whispered bending forward, "She told me how you feel about her. You're not going to lay a finger on Juliet."_

_Ben let out a deep laugh from within then tilted his head._

_"Touché Dr. Shephard."_

_Jack gave him a satisfied grin and began to walk away._

_"But what if I told you she isn't the only person you left behind? If she isn't the only one deeply connected to you?"_

_Jack turned around, "What are you talking about?"_

_Ben was already reaching out with a file in his hand. Jack took it, opened it and read in disbelief._

_"You're lying. You're a liar!"_

_"No Jack. I've never lied to you and I'm not now. Why do you think your father was in Australia? Who do you think he went to see?"_

_"No, I would have known, he would have told me, told her," Jack said while the others stood by wondering what power play was going on between the two men._

_"Would he?" Ben said, "Ask your mother when you get back to LA."_

_Jack's shoulders fell in resolution._

_"Why? Why do you want us to lie?"_

_"To protect the island and to protect those left behind. There are forces out there," he said pointing to the horizon, "People who want to rape the island of everything good. Who wouldn't hesitate to kill every last living being on it."_

_Jack paced for a few minutes his hand furiously running over his hair. He hesitated, then let out a long breath, and nodded._

_"So what's our story again?"_


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 2

**Chp 3**

The amount of orange juice being consumed was less and less, the vodka more and more. Jack scratched at the stubble on his chin before taking another gulp.

"Are you drinking? Again?" Kate demanded to know sitting Aaron in his highchair, "It's 9am for god's sake!"

Jack emptied the contents of the glass down his throat before putting it neatly in the sink and fiddling with his tie.

"I have to go to work," he said and reached for his brief case.

"Jack," she said pleadingly.

He stopped at the kitchen door.

"I can't Kate."

"Can't what?"

"I can't keep doing this. Not anymore," he sighed, "I can't play house with you and him."

Kate winced slightly. She knew this was coming. Knew from day one when he wouldn't hold the baby or say his name. When she'd hear him pace his bedroom all night, she knew it was only a matter of time.

"We shouldn't have done this," he continued.

"You know why we did," Kate told him.

"It was wrong, we were wrong."

"It was the only way," she tried to convince him.

"I can't pretend. I can't face him everyday and pretend to be his father."

"Jack, you're his uncle, you…"

"That's right, Kate! I'm his uncle, not his father, and you're not his mother. God help us."

"Jack," she said grabbing hold of his arm, "We're doing what's best for him. You know what Ben said, you know what will happen to Claire if you try to go back, if you try to find the island."

Jack held back the tears and pushed away from her.

"I've got to go, I'm sorry Kate."

"But," she cried out in shock, watching as he headed to the front door, "My trial is going to start soon."

"I'm sure Ben will get you off, he's a man of his word after all," he said before leaving the house for good.

….

Kate sighed as she recalled the day Jack left. She ran her fingers through her hair and glanced at the car radio's clock. He was late. She walked out and immediately the roar of a Boeing 747 came over her head, bean lights blinded her as she pushed her soft curls from her eyes.

"Sorry I'm late, I had er, some problems at the hospital," Jack said getting out of his jeep.

"Its fine," she said not believing him. He looked disheveled, worn out, unshaven.

"So why here?" she asked him.

"Hmm?"

"Why meet here at the airport?" Kate asked.

Jack put his hands in his jean pocket and rocked back on his heels. He shrugged his shoulders.

"I like to be near the planes, it makes me feel like, like…" his voice trailed.

"Jack," she said cupping his face in her hands, "You can't change anything."

"So anyway," he said disregarding her words and digging into his front pant's pocket, "I got everything while you were in prison, but I forgot to leave the key."

"Jack," she sighed.

"Here," he said handing her it to her.

"So this is it?"

"I'll call you, you know to check up," he told her.

"Sure, okay then. I guess I'll go," she said knowing he wouldn't call. She headed back to her car and hesitated at the door. She turned back, running to him and kissing him.

Kate pressed her warm lips to his and for a moment she felt him give in, his body leaning into hers before he pulled away. She starred at him but quickly turned away, she didn't want him to see the tears in her eyes. He watched her as she quickly drove away before wiping her from his mouth.

Jack was about to drive home to his empty apartment when he remembered where he was and what he had in his wallet. Parking his car in the lot closest to the terminal, he made his way to the Oceanic Airlines counter.

"How may I help you sir?" the woman behind it asked him with a smile.

"I'd like a ticket," Jack said.

"Where to?"

"Uh, doesn't matter," he said as she eyed him strangely, "Um, Australia, got a flight out to Australia?"

"Let me check sir," she said and clicked away at her keyboard, "We have one leaving for Sydney in about 3 hours."

"Sounds good," Jack told her.

"And how would you like to pay for that?"

"I have this," Jack said and slid his Oceanic golden pass card across to her.

The woman's eyes widened seeing the name and recognizing him as one of the Oceanic 6.

"Of course Dr. Shephard, one first class ticket to Sydney, Australia coming up."

"Make that business class," he said.

"You don't have to pay Dr. Shephard, it's all…"

"I know," he stopped her, "Make it business class anyway."

….

Sawyer stood outside in the bright sunshine and breathed in the fresh air. He looked up into the blue sky and squinted. It had been weeks since Jack had promised to come back. He looked across the road and noticed Claire sitting on her porch, starring aimlessly at nothing.

"Where are you Doc?" Sawyer asked aloud softly as he walked over to pretty sad girl.

"How are you mam," he stopped himself from using the maternal nickname, "Uh, how are you Claire?"

"Huh?" she responded not looking at him.

He took a seat beside her; she stiffened at first but then relaxed, tucking her legs under herself and sitting cross legged on the bench.

"He's fine you know. Kate will take care of him," he tried to reassure her.

"She wouldn't even hold him. I don't know why I gave him to her, she wouldn't even hold him," she said her bottom lip trembling.

"Kate would give her life up to protect him, and Jack won't let anything happen."

Claire turned to look at him for the first time; she starred wildly into his blue eyes, searching for comfort, for truth. She smiled.

"Yeah, Jack will watch over him," she said and nodded trying to convince herself, "So, is Juliet still sick?"

"Yeah," he said rubbing his hands over his thighs, "She is."

"You're worried," Claire said.

"Me? Nah," he said lying, "Just the flu, she'll be fine soon."

"I'll bring her some herbal tea, it will soothe her stomach," Claire said and ran into the house, happy to have something to do.

….

Jack drove along the seedy streets of Sydney in his rental car. He had 22 hours to kill before his return flight to LA. He didn't know what he was expecting to happen on that flight, after all, Jack Shephard didn't believe in miracles.

He slowed the car down to a crawl and starred out at the women on the corner.

"Hi Sugar, looking for a good time?" a tall, thin woman in a red wig asked through the crack in the passenger window.

Jack rolled it down further, leaned across the seat and looked past her at the other girls.

"The blonde," he said.

The red head shrugged and turned around.

"You're up Tammy," she said and her friend casually took her time getting into the car.

"150 and the night is yours honey," the Aussie explained as she got comfortable in the seat next to Jack's.

"Let me see your eyes," Jack said.

"Wha?"

"Your eyes, are they blue?"

"Yeah they're blue," she told him.

"Okay, 150," Jack agreed and pulled away.

They drove back to his hotel room. Jack walked her through the lobby, ignoring the obvious stares their way, and went straight to the elevators.

"This is a nice room," the working girl said looking around, "You mind?" she asked noticing a half drunk bottle of whiskey on the nightstand.

"No," Jack said taking his sunglasses off and squeezing his eyes with his fingers.

He looked at her, starred as the blonde brought the bottle to her lips and thought of Juliet would never. She would have asked for a glass, hell, she wouldn't have asked for a swig of whiskey to begin with. He laughed out loud.

"What's so funny?" the girl asked.

"Nothing," he said.

"Why don't you come over here sugar, sit down beside me," she told him patting the bed with her hand.

Jack took the seat next to her.

"So what do you like?"

"Like?" he asked confused.

"You know, what do you want me to do?"

"Oh, uh…"

She smiled sweetly at him, "Just relax sugar," she told him.

….

_"Relax Jack," Juliet said softly kissing his neck in the darkness of his tent. It was night but they could still hear people moving about outside._

_"Juliet," he sighed but brought his arms up, pulling her away. She looked at him, hurt in her eyes. His face softened and he traced her jaw line with his finger._

_"We can't, you know we can't do this."_

_"Why not?" she asked pouting slightly, "Don't you want to?"_

_"Oh yeah," he said sighing deeply, "I want to."_

_"Then what's stopping you?" she teased, lifting up his t-shirt and raking her finger nails through his chest hair. He smiled but pusher her off him again._

_"You of all people know how dangerous it could be," he told her._

_Juliet frowned; she knew he was referring to getting pregnant. She looked frustrated before her face lit up, a mischievous glint in her eyes._

_"We could do other things," she said._

_"Other things?" Jack questioned._

_She nodded and unbuttoned her shirt. She reached under her tank top and unhooked her bra, slipped it past her shoulders and let it drop to the floor. Jack starred at her as she took her hand and placed it over her breast. _

_"Other things," she said as he kneaded her nipple through the thin fabric of her tank top. Jack grinned and pulled her to him._

_"Take you pants off then," he whispered so no one who might be passing by outside would hear._

_Juliet obeyed before pressing her body next to his again. They kissed softly, the bristle of his jaw deliciously scratching at her delicate skin as he slid his tongue down her neck. Jack's hand roams her body, slipping down her arms and across her back, her skin warm and tingling. When his hand slides across her ass and to the centre of her panties, Juliet jolts a little, her breathing becoming heavy, yet quiet. She bit the flesh of his shoulder as Jack rubbed her crotch with his fingers, feeling that her panties are soaking wet._

_"Yes," she moans nibbling on his earlobe as Jack finds her clit through the fabric, pressing and circling it. He looks at her and notices that her nipples are visibly erect. He pushes her tank off her shoulders and bends to take one in his mouth._

_"Fuck," Juliet cries out as his teeth tease it, his tongue swirling around, lapping at it, making it as wet as her pussy. She cries out in pleasure and he stops._

_"Shh," he tells her before taking her mouth in his, his tongue dancing around her own._

_Jack grabs the crotch of her panties with his index finger and pulls it across so that her pussy is fully exposed to his hand. He strokes her throbbing clit, up and down and in circles. Juliet's fingers dig into the nape of Jack's neck, her mouth open at his cheek as she tries desperately not to moan out loud. Her hips move up and down with the movements of Jack's hand. She's getting wetter so he switches to one finger. He presses her clit harder and moves further on the down stroke, to her opening. She's holding onto his biceps for dear life, her head resting on his chest as Jack changes the angle of his hand and slides his finger into her hole. Juliet jolts again as he pushes gently into her soft pussy as far as he can before bringing it up and over her clit again. He continues, speeding up the tempo, his own breathing beginning to deepen as his erection throbs in his pants. _

_Juliet's eyes are heavily lidded as Jack's hand is now moving as fast as it can, focusing on her hardened bud, he takes two fingers and rubs side to side, hard and fast. Juliet's head tilts back, her mind is spinning, her mouth drops open in a voiceless moan. She bucks violently, her legs hitting against his thighs. Jack can smell her as her whole body tenses and jerks back. He feels a little squirt of liquid on his fingertips and knows she's cum._

_"Jack," she finally says still clinging to his t-shirt as he moves his hand away. He brings it to his mouth and tastes her. Juliet's juices are sweet as he licks his fingers. She smiles that mischievous grin again._

_"Your turn," she tells him._

_She brings her hand straight to Jack's groin, feeling his erection through his jeans, teasing him, making him even harder till he protests._

_"Come on Juliet."_

_She tries to undo the bottom of his pants with one hand while the other one runs across his chest. Finally Jack helps her, his fingers going over hers to undo it. Juliet unzips his fly slowly and spreads the flaps of his jeans. She pulls the elastic of Jack's underwear down and over his dick, which springs up in response, happy to finally be free of constraint._

_Juliet lets out a quiet giggle as if they're two high school students making out behind the building. Jack runs his fingers through her hair, pushing it past her face, tucking the strands behind her ears. She grabs his penis and begins stroking at a rhythmic pace. The head of his cock hits her stomach, just at her belly button and rubs against it. It feels so good._

_Juliet's eyes are fixed intently on Jack's cock, her hand is setting it on fire._

_"Christ," Jack says and bites his lip as his erection grows harder. He knows he won't last long, Juliet knows it too and so she slows down, circling it with her hand, teasing the head with her fingers. Jack lets out some hard and sudden breaths and she kisses him chews softly on his bottom lip while she continues to stroke the full length of his cock. They both look down and see the pool of pre-cum gathering at the small slit. She tilts his cock back a little and lets it run down his shaft to coat her fingers and his skin. _

_They hear Jin and Sun talking in Korean outside and she speeds up._

_"Juliet," he groans and it's her turn to tell him to be quiet._

_Jack closes his eyes, his head falling back as his hips push forward. He can feel the tension in his balls as his whole body begins to throb._

_"Open your eyes," she tells him._

_His eyelids flutter open and he looks down to watch her slow her movements to prolong the moment. But Jack is panting and his hips thrust. The first squirt of cum hits her stomach before the rest lands on him, oozing down his shaft and over her hand. He slumps a little, and he buries his face in her hair, holding on to her. She's still holding his throbbing erection until if softens in her palm._

_"Um," Jack says shyly and turns to find something to clean her off with. When he faces her again, he sees her sucking his cum off her fingers. He begins to harden again and she giggles out loud._

_"Any other ideas?" she asks him._

"I'm sorry," Jack says to the woman, pushing her off him.

"What's wrong can't get it up?" she asks bluntly.

"I just, you're not, I can't," he tells her and she notices how sad he is.

"You alright? You look like shit."

Jack looks at the woman and chuckles.

"Yeah, just tired, can't seem to relax, I thought you, that this, well," he drifts off and stares out the window.

"Don't worry about it," she tells him kindly, she knows somehow he's in pain, "I'm keeping the money thought," she tells him sliding back into her shoes.

"Yeah, it's fine," he says.

She pauses at the door and digs into her purse, taking out a bottle of pills. She places it on the bed stand next to him.

"When things get rough, sometimes, I find these help. Look sugar, you seem like a nice guy, so you keep them."

She leaves and he lies back on the bed, his head hitting the pillow with a sigh. He looks over and grabs the prescription bottle and reads the label. "Oxycodone."

Jack pops the cap and puts one on his tongue, closing his eyes and wishing the shadows would go away.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 2

**Chp 4**

**Dearest Jack,**

**I await your return in fearful anticipation. Could it be that you have forgotten me? Found your old life or worse, started a fresh one with her? My mind races with possibilities as I sit in the island's sun, agonizing your loss.**

**But at night, at night, it is my heart that speaks to me. When I lie alone, in the dark, a sliver of moonlight escaping through these accursed curtains that I know. I know you my love; I know you would not abandon me. So where are you Jack Shephard? What keeps you from returning to my arms?**

**There is something wrong somewhere that we are apart. But I can still feel your kiss on my lips. I close my eyes and shudder at the memory of your hands on my skin, your touch.**

**I used to dream of the two of us walking. We'd be hand in hand, strolling down the beach, the hot sand burning our bare feet. Burning like our love. But now I dream of wind and snow. I hate all this endless sand and sun. I ache to feel the bitter wind beating at our faces so that you have to pull me in tight to shield me from the icy snow, wild like our passion.**

**What madness is it that you're not here? What cruelty keeps you from returning to my arms? What insanity keeps me from kissing you? Why can't I be lying down at your side, caressing you, my fingers tracing your jaw line, arousing you as you arouse me? **

**I should be there with you, safe in your arms, as you would be safe in mine. I should be bringing you to orgasm with my mouth, feeling you inside me.**

**This is too much, this cruel joke of a separation. Why can't I have the feeling of you inside me, almost motionless, tender like your love? You leaning down to kiss me softly, before fucking me hard till we both cum from sheer exhaustion and pleasure. Why don't I have your tongue in my pussy? Thrusting my hips up to meet your face, running my fingers over the bristle of your hair, feeling the chafe of your stubble across the inside of my thighs?**

**Why can't I be lying beside you after our love making, watching the constellations appear, one star at a time, as I kiss the same stars brightly tattooed on the inside of your arms? Why aren't you here to caress me and say "My love…"? To assure me that I am yours and you are mine? To look at me with that penetrating expression you have when you say something to me? I want you Jack, your fingers, not my own. Your tongue, your cock, your heart.**

**I need you…**

"Hey Juliet," Sawyer said opening the door to her bedroom and startling her. She dropped the pen on the floor, and watched it roll under the bed.

"James!" she cried getting on her knees and looking for it.

"Sorry," James said.

"What is it?" she asked exasperated with him as she stood up,

"It's Claire."

"What about her? Is she sick, hurt?" Juliet inquired.

"Not exactly," he said tentatively, seeing the annoyed expression on the blonde's face, "She's depressed."

Juliet sighed, "Aren't we all?"

"I thought maybe you could talk to her."

"Ask Rose to."

"But," Sawyer protested, "She thinks she's lost Aaron for good. She thinks Jack isn't coming back. If you could just explain to her that he's…"

"How should I know if he's coming back?" she suddenly burst out, "Maybe he isn't, maybe he doesn't want to. Maybe he doesn't care!"

Sawyer's eyes widened as Juliet's own filled with tears.

"Hey," he said his voice softening as he took a step closer to her. But Juliet turned from him, facing the window and staring outside. She could see Claire and Desmond sitting on a bench near the swings, looking out at nothing. She began to sob.

"Just go away," she said.

Sawyer sighed in defeat and crossed the room to the door.

"James wait," Juliet said stopping him.

"Yeah?" he asked.

"I think I made a mistake, a huge mistake in not leaving the island with Jack when I had the chance," she told him.

"Look sweetheart," Sawyer began, "Jack is going to come back. I don't know what the hold up is but I know the Doc, he'd never…"

"You don't understand," she interrupted, "I don't have time to wait!"

Sawyer scrunched his brow up in confusion.

"I'm pregnant James."

"What?" he asked in astonishment, "You and Jack? Christ you're doctors! What the hell? Why weren't you two more careful?"

"I thought we were!"

"You telling me the Dharma condom was defected?" he asked.

"There were no condoms, we just, you know, didn't, well we didn't. He didn't you know, inside," she explained shyly.

Sawyer rolled his eyes, "Yeah like that works. Man, even the chicks in high school didn't fall for that one."

"You're not helping James!" she said collapsing on the bed and sobbing some more.

"Okay, okay, sorry," he said and sat next to her, "Are you sure? I mean really sure you're pregnant?"

"Well I haven't done a blood test yet," Juliet told him, drying her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt.

"Well then let's go do one. You've got a lab here right?" he asked as she nodded.

"Then come on, maybe you're not, maybe it's just stress."

"Yeah okay, maybe," she said but as they headed out the door and towards the lab, they both knew they were clinging to false hope.

….

Ben sat in the veterinarian office reading over a German paper and looking impatiently at his watch. The door behind him clicked open and without turning around he said, "You're late Sayid."

"It's not Sayid," the voice said.

Ben spun around in his chair, his eyes widening at the man in front of him.

"Richard. What are you doing here?" Benjamin asked.

"I've got some news. From the island," he said.

"Well, go on then," Ben said.

"It's Juliet. She's pregnant," Alpert told him.

Ben's eyes widened again but he said nothing. Richard handed him a plain, white file.

"The test results are inside. She ran them herself," Richard explained, "It's positive. She's 6 weeks along, island time of course."

Ben nodded looking at the sheet of paper inside.

"Stupid girl, stupid, stupid Juliet," Ben said to himself.

"I'll make arrangements to get her off the island," Richard said.

"No," Ben said stopping him.

"What?"

"No you won't."

"But Ben, you know what will happen if she stays. Surely you're not going to leave her there? Juliet? To die?"

"She made her choice," Ben said with a trace of bitterness in his voice.

"Come on now, think about it," Richard pleaded.

"Juliet knew the risks when she slept with Jack," Ben said, "Besides, this gives her incentive to find a cure."

"She's tried Ben, you know she's tried," Richard told him.

"We're done here Richard," Ben said, "Now leave. Sayid will be here any moment."

Richard's shoulders fell. He knew he couldn't change Ben's mind. What he didn't know, what they both didn't realize, was that Sayid had been listening all along, at the door.

….

"Crash, crash, crash," Jack whispered the mantra as the plane shook.

"Attention passengers, this is your captain speaking. Sorry for the turbulence but we should be landing safely in Los Angeles in 20 minutes, prepare for dissent."

Jack squeezed his eyes shut. "Damn it," he cursed and fished his pockets for more pills. He took another one as he stumbled out of the airport, Kate already there waiting for him.

"You look like hell," Kate said opening the passenger side door for him to get into the car.

"Yeah, rough flight," he said, "Thanks for picking me up."

"Sure," Kate said and smiled, "I wanted to. I wanted to talk to you. Maybe you can come home with me and we…"

"No Kate," he told her curtly, "I'm not going back there."

Kate stared at him, a hurt expression on her face.

"Then why'd you call me? Why'd you ask me to pick you up if you didn't…"

"I lost my keys somewhere in Australia, my car's here but I just didn't want to deal with a tow truck now. I just need you to take me to my place, I have spare keys there," he explained.

"And that's it?" she asked him.

"Yeah," he said.

Kate shook her head and started the engine.

At home Jack downed a bottle of whiskey. He was drunk and falling in and out of a restless sleep, sprawled on the couch, his shirt dirty and his face unshaven. He didn't even hear someone come up to the apartment. Didn't notice the manila envelope being slid under the door till the person was long gone.

Jack ripped open the letter to find a simple blood test inside. A positive pregnancy test with a note attached.

"You need to go back."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 2

Chp. 5

At first the test and note didn't compute. Jack didn't understand the message. His mind and eyes were blurred with pills and booze. He squinted his eyes, walking over to the open drapes and held the test up to the moonlight.

"You need to go back"

He read it again and again, starring at the pregnancy test until it dawned on him. Juliet. Juliet was pregnant!

Jack opened the door to his apartment, meeting an empty hallway.

"Hey!" he called out, "Hey!"

But there was no response. Barefoot, he ran out frantically, "Where are you? Who are you? Ben?!"

"Shut up you drunk!" someone cried out from behind closed doors.

Jack stumbled back inside, searching for his cell phone. Finding it under the coffee table he flipped it open and dialed the familiar number.

"Hello?"

"It's me," Jack said.

"It's 3 in the morning."

"I know, I know. It's an emergency though," Jack explained.

"What's wrong, are you alright?"

"Yeah, yeah. I need to see you though."

"You sound drunk, are you drunk?"

"No, no."

"Why do you want to see me?"

"I'll explain when you get here," Jack said.

"You want me to come all the way there? Come on Jack look at the time."

"How about we meet half way? You know, same place."

"Same place?"

"At the airport, like before," Jack said.

"Jack, can't this wait?"

"No!" he said sharply, "I need to meet with you tonight, now. Right now."

"Fine, I'll be there in about an hour."

"Thanks, see you there Kate," Jack said and hung up.

….

"You've got to eat," Sawyer said sitting on the edge of the bed, a plate of pancakes in his hand.

"I'm not hungry."

"I didn't make them, if that helps," Sawyer told her trying to lighten the mood, "Locke did. He's crazy as bat shit but he's a decent enough cook. If you don't like blueberry I can…"

Juliet's eyes shot up, recalling the time she asked Jack the same thing. Her eyes welled up.

"Julie," Sawyer said, "You need to keep up your strength."

"What's the point? I'm going to die anyway."

"You don't know that. Jack…"

"And you don't know Jack will make it on time! If at all."

Sawyer sighed and got up.

"Alright, stay in here and sulk, cause that will do you and your baby a whole lot of good!"

"Like you care? You never trusted me, you don't even like me. Hell, you didn't even give a damn about your own baby let alone mine!" as she said it and looked into Sawyer's eyes, she regretted it immediately.

"James," she said ruefully.

"Forget I even tried," he said flipping his hair and storming out.

"How is she James?" Locke asked sitting at the kitchen table.

"Not interested."

"Maybe I can fix her something else."

"Don't bother, she ain't interested in anything."

"She has to eat Sawyer," Rose said, "For the baby's sake if not for hers."

"She's convinced herself that she's going to die. Maybe she's right. Ain't none of us seen any sign of Jack making his way back."

"Don't say that," Claire said.

Sawyer looked at her sadly but sat down in silence. It wasn't easy trying to be the leader. Trying to keep everyone optimistic. He shouldn't have given the Doc such a hard time now that he thought of it.

"Do you mind if I have a talk with her?" Bernard said putting his plate in the sink and wiping his hands on a dish towel.

"You? What are you going to say that would change her mind?" his wife asked.

Bernard shrugged and picked up Juliet's untouched plate of pancakes.

"I don't know just yet."

Rose rolled her eyes at him.

"Be my guest," Sawyer said, "Knock yourself out."

Bernard rapped softly on Juliet's door.

"Go away James," she shouted from beneath the covers.

"It's me, Bernard."

Juliet sat up in bed, smoothed her hair down and cleared her throat, "Come in."

Bernard shyly walked into the bedroom.

"I told him I wasn't hungry," Juliet said spying the plate in his hand. Bernard set it down on her vanity table.

"Okay, well maybe later."

Bernard sat at the edge of the bed.

"So you're pregnant," he said casually.

Juliet stared at him blankly before raising her eyebrow, a hint of a smile on her lips.

"Are you trying to make conversation Bernard?"

The kind dentist smiled and nodded.

"I'm terrible at it aren't I?"

Juliet laughed a foreign sound to her now that Jack was gone.

"Listen Juliet, I was thinking," Bernard said as she waited for him to collect his thoughts, "What if we can find a cure, what if you can have your baby safely, here on the island?"

Juliet's eyes darkened, her face softened with sadness.

"I can't. I've tried and I can't."

"But you can't just give up, not now. This is too important, for you, for Jack," he said, "Unless you really think he doesn't care."

….

_"Shh, or you'll wake up everyone," Jack said, his finger tenderly tapping Juliet's lips._

_"I can't help it," she said trying to stifle another giggle by grabbing his hand and placing his palm over her mouth. She laughed against it, the reverberations tickling Jack's skin. He smiled._

_"No more late night kitchen raids for you then."_

_She grew quiet and pouted playfully._

_"It just feels so naughty."_

_This time it was Jack's turn to stifle a chuckle._

_"Naughty? This is your idea of being bad? Come now, you were an Other after all."_

_Juliet gave him an icy glare but she knew he was teasing._

_"I was always the good girl. My whole life I did what I was told," she explained sticking her hand in a box of chocolate puff cereal._

_"Well not anymore," Jack said, "Now you're free."_

_"To be bad?" she asked her eyebrow arched suggestively._

_"Sure," Jack said._

_"How bad?" she said pulling him closer._

_"Umm," he said, his breathing already getting deeper, "How bad do you want to be?"_

_"Very bad Dr. Shephard," she whispered in his ear, her hot breath making the little hairs on his neck stand up, "And I want to be bad with you. Right here, right now."_

_Jack starred into her burning eyes._

_"I want you Jack, all of you."_

_He groaned with sexual desire and frustration as she grinded her pelvis into his._

_"We can't Juliet."_

_"Yes we can, just control it."_

_"What?" he questioned._

_"Just pull out."_

_"Are you sure?" he asked her dying to move forward, to take her right there on the make shift counter. Juliet bit her lip._

_"I'm sure."_

_From that second it was all hands, and mouths. Tongues sliding over dewy skin. Their hearts beating frantically but in tune. Jack put his hand over her mouth again, trying to muffle the sounds of her moans as he thrust inside her. She clung to him, her hands around his neck, her legs wrapped tightly around her waist._

_"Juliet," he said, "I'm going to…" _

_He quickly remembered to pull out, spilling his seed onto her belly. She ran her hand down his scruffy cheek._

_"I love you Dr, Shephard," she said as his eyes searched hers for truth, for love, for acceptance, "I really, really do."_

_"I love you too Dr. Burke," he said kissing the tip of her nose._

_"I'm always going to Juliet. Please don't ever doubt it; I'm always going to love you."_

"No," Juliet said and nodding her head like she was sure, "I know he cares. It's just, everything I've done, everything I could think of to do, didn't work."

Juliet's bottom lip trembled as she thought back to all the women and babies she lost.

"They all died."

Bernard took her hand in his.

"I'm a practical man Juliet. A dentist, a man of science. But I have seen things, witnessed things, here, in this place," he said looking straight into her eyes.

"This island won't let your baby die. But you can't just lay there in your bed. You have to will it to help you."

"How?" Juliet asked.

"I don't know," Bernard said shrugging his shoulders, "But how about you start by eating those pancakes. That and showing me your research."

….

"What is so important that you needed to see me in the middle of the night Jack?" Kate asked.

Jack slid off the hood of his jeep and wiped his hands on his beer stained jeans.

"Actually its morning," he said and laughed.

She could smell the alcohol on him even before he drew nearer to her.

"You shouldn't be driving Jack."

"I'm fine, fine," he said waving his hands, "That's not what's important here anyway."

"What is Jack? What is this all about?"

"I need to find Ben," Jack told her, his eyes focused for the first time that night.

"Ben? Why?"

"I just do, tell me how," Jack asked.

"How should I know how to contact Ben?" Kate asked.

"Because he helped you with your trial," Jack stated.

"I cut a deal Jack."

"Don't," he said agitated, "Don't act like I don't know, like I wasn't there. I heard him tell you he'd get you off! Now tell me how to contact him!"

"You're drunk Jack," Kate said, sad and disgusted by the man standing before him. The man she thought she loved.

Jack grabbed her by the arms.

"Let go Jack, you're hurting me," she cried.

He softened his hold without releasing her.

"Please," he pleaded, "It's important. I need to find the island. I need to get back to Juliet."

"Juliet? This is about Juliet?" Kate said and pushed him away from her. She began to walk back to her car.

"Just tell me where Ben is!" Jack shouted.

"I don't know," she told him, her eyes filling with tears.

"Damn it Kate, now isn't the time for your secrets and lies!" he cried trying to stop her from getting in.

"I said I don't know. You need help Jack, look at you. I can't see you, not like this," she said and got in and drove away.

"Please," Jack pleaded into the darkness, "Please."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 2

**Chp 6**

**Dearest Jack,**

**Still no sign of your beloved face. I sit in agony waiting. The minutes pass like hours, the hours like days, and all I have are my own arms to keep me warm at night.**

**My loneliness is vast like the desert, dry and harsh as my heart longs like an empty well for water.**

**My love, my love, are you searching for me? Are you lost in the struggle to return to my bed? I sleep huddled at the edge, the space beside it too big to be filled by anything but you.**

**I dream fitfully of the future. Your hands at once caressing my body to bliss and then holding the child that grows inside me. Sometimes it's a boy, with your silly smile and hazel eyes. Other times I dream it's a girl whose blue eyes have you mesmerized. **

**I want you Jack Shephard. I want you here, your palm on my stomach, curved against my growing belly, feeling our baby's movements.**

**I want you here, lying beside me, your lips against my neck, your breath rising and falling against my skin as you sleep. I want you here, my hair falling across your chest, tickling you as I shower you with butterfly kisses until you pull me up and make my mouth open with your tongue.**

**I want you here to tell me it will all be alright. That evil can't touch us, not when we're together. But we're not together and time is an enemy crueler and fiercer than any other we have known before.**

**But I wait, I wait and I wait. For you my love, I would wait, defying time and space, waiting through the ages for you.**

**My love.**

Juliet kissed the letter before neatly folding it in three and slipping it into the envelope. She brushed a single tear from her cheek and walked downstairs into the living room. Sawyer was reading The Handmaid's Tale.

"You ready?" he asked putting the book down on the coffee table.

"Yeah, where is everyone?" she asked.

"They're already at the lab," he said getting up and opening the door for her, "After you."

They walked into the generically white washed rooms of the labs. Daniel was huddled over a microscope, Bernard right beside him. Charlotte was at a nearby table, Juliet's research spread out before her. She was sipping a cup of tea, her face scrunched up in concentration and confusion.

"Hey guys," Juliet said trying to sound cheery, "Sorry I'm late. I slept in, guess I've been a bit tired lately."

"That's okay," Daniel said.

"Of course it is," Bernard said, "You need your rest, we understand."

She gave him an attempt at a smile. Sawyer walked up to Dan and in a low voice asked, "Any luck?"

Daniel looked at him, his eyes soft in defeat. Sawyer met Juliet's stare, her eyes fighting back tears.

"Why don't you just have an abortion?" Charlotte blurted out.

"Charlotte!" Daniel cried firmly yet still in the quiet voice that was so characteristic of the scientist.

"What Dan?" she asked genuinely puzzled, "We're nowhere closer to finding the cure and what's the alternative? Death? Seems like a simple choice to me."

Juliet bowed her head, her hand on her stomach, "Not so simple to me," she whispered.

Sawyer looked sadly at her.

"I hate to admit it, but Flame has a point."

Juliet looked at him, locking her cold eyes with his in defiance.

"I mean a physicist, a dentist and an archeologist? Sounds like the beginning of a bad joke."

"GCSF," Bernard blurted out, his eye still on the microscope.

"Is that like TGIF?" Sawyer asked turning to the older gentleman whose face was now shinning with a bright idea.

"No Sawyer it's a drug."

"You mean granulocyte colony stimulating factor?" Juliet asked stepping closer to the group.

"I think that's what it is, yes," Bernard said.

"It's a hormone stimulant," Juliet said.

"Right," Daniel said, "Sounds vaguely familiar."

"Don't you see," Bernard said getting excited.

Juliet's eyes shone with a glimmer of hope as her mind raced to meet up with the dentist's.

"You said something happens in the second trimester that the immune system turns on the fetus."

Juliet nodded.

"Now explain to me why you think that, to make sure I'm on the right track," Bernard said.

"Because the white blood cell count plummets. We tried transfusions but we just couldn't keep up," she said.

"Rose had cancer; she had it up until she came onto this island."

Juliet nodded again, his wife's illness and seemingly miraculous cure were well documented in her file.

"She was given GCSF by her doctors to help her white blood cell count during chemotherapy," he said getting more excited with each word, "What if you started taking it now, before any symptoms occur?"

"It's worth a shot," Daniel said.

"But we don't have GCSF here," Juliet said, their faces falling.

"Wait. Rose put hers with the rest of the drugs Jack collected after the crash. She said she didn't need them anymore."

"That would only get me through how many weeks?" she asked.

Bernard shrugged, "I'll have to get the bottle and count the pills."

"I can construct a generic form with the supplies you have here," Daniel said.

"Really?" Juliet asked.

"I'm fairly certain."

"It'll still be a risk. I'll have to compensate for the drop in bone density with extra calcium, vitamins A and D," she said going over the check list in her head, "My god though, we may actually have a chance with this."

They all smiled renewed hope in their eyes and hearts.

….

Jack stumbled over strewn maps and atlases.

"Damn it," he cursed looking under piles of papers with coordinates scribbled on them, looking for his car keys. Finally finding them, he shoved them into his jean jacket pocket and headed out the door.

He got to the house in rapid time, speeding through the suburban lanes with little regard for his or anyone else's safety. But upon arrival he hesitated, scratching at his growing beard, he sat watching the door. He dug into his pants and retrieved the familiar pill bottle and placed one of the tablets on his tongue. Closing his eyes for a moment he uttered a one word prayer, "Please."

Hearing the door bell ring, Kate wondered who it could be at this late hour. Her eyes widened seeing Jack standing before her.

"Hey," he simply said.

"Jack what are you doing here?"

"I need you to tell me," he said.

"Jack," she started.

"Please. I need you to tell me how to find Ben."

"I already told you, I don't know," she said.

"Damn you Kate, this is important!"

"Be quiet, Aaron will hear you," she said then softened her tone to a sad whisper, "I told you not to come here, I can't see you, have you around him. Not like this."

"Kate," he began to plead.

"Good night Jack," she said beginning to close the door.

"Wait!" he begged, "I'm running out of time. Wait," he said shoving his body between the doors.

Kate stared, a little afraid of him.

"It's Juliet, she's pregnant."

"What?" Kate asked, "How do you even know?"

"I know. Please, please Kate. She's going to die if I don't go back."

"You can't go back Jack," Kate said.

"I have to, I have to save her."

"What about Claire? If you go, she can die. What about your sister?"

"My sister? Is that what you're worried about?" he spat, the venom in his voice something Kate never experienced before, "You're just afraid I'll bring my sister back and she'll reclaim her son!"

"Get out Jack! Get out before I call the cops."

Jack's tears began to fall freely from his eyes.

"I'm only asking you this one thing. After everything I've done, after everything we've been through. Just this one thing," he said.

Kate's own tears were sliding down her cheeks, dripping off her chin as he shook his head in disbelief. He turned to leave, crushed.

"Jack wait."

He turned around, his eyes pleading with hers.

"I don't know how to find Ben. But I met him once, right before the trial. He said never to speak about it to anyone," she told him.

"Where?"

"At an art gallery called Down The Rabbit Hole. He was pretending to be an artist. He even had a show on of weird paintings." she answered.

"Why?" he asked.

"I don't know. He was pretending to be some artist from New York. He wouldn't say why. That's all I know Jack, I swear."

"What alias was he using?"

"John something," she said.

"John what?"

"I don't remember."

"Try Kate, try!"

"I, I don't," she said shaking her head, "No wait, Latham. I think that was the name he used, John Latham."

"John Latham," he said over and over to himself.

"Jack," Kate said.

"Yeah?"

"I meant what I said before. You can't keep doing this. You can't keep calling, coming over. Not until you get some help."

"Yeah," he said but his mind was already somewhere else, already on the hunt for the artist John Latham, already on the hunt for Benjamin Linus.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 2

**Chp 7**

**Dearest Jack,**

**Here I am standing on the beach, my feet on the edge of where the sea hates to go. The spray hitting my face, chilling my soul and my heart begging for your return. The ocean is vast and empty, even the seagulls have abandoned watch. But not I my love, not I.**

**Here, where the sun blazes my unprotected head, here is where I feel closest to you. Sand on my skin and sea salt in my mouth is where I can feel you. Only hands on glass bring me closer to you, but that place is far away now, gone, like you. **

**I have only the heat on my skin, the wind in my face and the endless shoreline to remind me of your touch. Your touch, your hands, the warmth of your breath and the child that grows inside me; it is for this that I wait. It is for you that I wait, as time itself unwinds.**

**For you, my love, I go on.**

"He'll come," the familiar Scottish brogue startled her from her thoughts. Quickly she tucked the letter into her pack and turned to smile at Desmond.

"Don't you worry, Jack will come for you," he told her, standing next to her and letting his feet sink into the wet sand.

"I suppose you know a thing or two about waiting," Juliet said.

"Aye," he answered nodding his head and staring out to the sea, the waves a calm roll, "And about faith, faith in love."

….

Jack emptied the contents of his plastic cup and leaned into his seat. Kate's lead had been a dead end, the artist was a recluse, he had been told. No one had even seen the artist, John Lantham, he chose to let his art speak for him instead.

Jack pulled out a pocket calendar and stared at the date circled in red ink. He had a few days, only a few days before Juliet would enter her second trimester. Before she would die. He wasn't any closer to finding the island. How could it just seemingly disappear?

"Would you fasten your seatbelt please?"

"Er, excuse me," Jack said tapping the stewardess on her back and waving his empty glass, "Excuse me. Can I get another one of those, please?"

"I'm sorry sir. We'll be landing in 20 minutes."

"Well, 20 minutes is a long time."

She gives him a sympathetic smile and hands him a paper, "How about a newspaper instead? And if you could buckle your seatbelt sit."

Turbulence shakes the plane and Jack closes his eyes praying for a miracle he doesn't believe in. But the plane steadies itself so he opens the newspaper. His eyes widen and he almost lets out a cry of despair.

**Los Angeles**

**Man found dead in downtown loft.**

**The body of John Lantham of New York was discovered shortly after 4 a.m. in the…**

Jack tears out the article, his hands shaking, as the plane begins its dissent into LAX.

In a drug induced stupor, Jack gets in his car and drives over the bridge leading home.

"Juliet," he calls out, "Juliet."

But she isn't there, she's far away in a plane he can't get to and he doesn't know how to find her. He stops suddenly at the side of the road and looks at the clipping, resting his head on the steering wheel, he cries. In one last attempt to reach out he dials her number.

"You've reached 310-555-0148. Please leave a message."

"Hey, it's me. I, er, I just read…" but he knows she doesn't want to hear it. There's nothing left but the sound of his failure, nothing left but to wait for the days on the calendar to tick by, nothing left but Juliet's death looming on the horizon. But he can't face that, so Jack climbs up on the ledge and doesn't fear the steep drop to solid concrete, he longs for the hard smash and the end. He raises his head and thinks of blonde hair and pleading blue eyes.

"Oh, forgive me."

The sounds of a swerving car bring him back to this earth, smashing glass and the light of fire spurs him into action.

"Help!" a woman cries out and Jack can't ignore her pleas. He can't save Juliet and their child so; he saves the woman in the burning wreckage and her son instead.

….

"How are you feeling?" Bernard asks as Juliet walks into the lab, Sawyer trailing behind her. He feels useless in this environment, he feels dumb. He wonders why Jack entrusted him with Juliet's safekeeping. Why him? When Juliet suddenly grabs his hand and gives it a desperate squeeze.

"So far so good," she says in a forced sing song voice and sits down on the nearby stool.

"This will only take a minute," Bernard tells her and swabs the inside of her elbow. He draws a vile of blood and hands it to Daniel. Juliet bites her bottom lip and squeezes Sawyer's hand again. He looks at her worried face and squeezes back.

"You're gonna be fine," he reassures her and she nods nervously.

Daniel hovers over the microscope mumbling incoherently to himself. Sawyer has to fight the urge not to punch him, tapping his foot madly as they wait.

"Well?" he shouts out unable to take the suspense any longer.

Daniel turns, fidgeting with his tie, "Looks good."

"Really?" Juliet asks getting up and running to take a look herself.

"Your white cell count looks normal," Dan tells her, "The drug is working."

….

It's a beautiful sunny day in downtown L.A. but Jack drives in a fog. His life suspended in a dark cloud of gloom and foreboding. When he stops he pulls out the newspaper clipping and dials his phone.

"You have reached 310-555-0…"

He hangs up, maybe she's already here, he thinks, maybe she's already inside and he can try to convince her. He exits his car with this last bit of hope in mind, and steps into traffic.

Jack doesn't care if he's run down; death would be a welcome relief. Death is where she will be soon and he's more than willing to get there first to welcome her. But he isn't hit and he enters the funeral parlor unscathed but for his battered heart.

A closed casket is on display, seats neatly lined up with no one in them.

"Can I help you?" the funeral director asks appearing from a side entrance.

"Sorry I, actually I came, uh, is the funeral over?"

"There was no funeral sir, only a viewing. Nobody showed up."

"Nobody? You sure?" Jack asks.

"Just you. My deepest condolences. Friend or family?"

"Neither."

"Would you like me to open it up?" the director asks him.

"No," Jack tells him.

"Take you time," the director says before leaving him alone.

Jack stares at the coffin with Ben's body inside, shattering his last chance at finding the island. His hand reaches out and he places his palm on it, tears in his eyes.

"Damn you Ben," he thinks as he reaches for his pills. There's only one left, only one to numb the ever increasing pain.

"Damn it!"

….

"It's really working?" Sawyer asks.

"Looks like," Daniel tells him, "Of course we'll have to keep monitoring Juliet now that she's approaching her second trimester."

"I'll be damn, you did it Bernie, you really did it," he says slapping the Dentist on the back.

"I'd like to run a bone density test on you though," Dan turns and talks to Juliet, "To be safe." She nods and follows him to a corner.

Juliet's hand goes to her mouth to stop the smile creeping onto her face. She's afraid to be this happy, suddenly superstitious. Could she really hope Jack's baby will be born?

….

Jack's apartment is littered with maps, the walls scribbled with coordinates, markings of hope broken and lost. He sits on the floor drinking, drowning the pain and the voices of Juliet calling for him to return. He wants to give up, to crawl into a ball and just end, but something in him presses him on. Something Locke told him rings in his ears.

"Boone was a sacrifice the island demanded."

Was Juliet another sacrifice or was he supposed to offer up one for her safe return?

"Claire was the first woman to successfully give birth on the island," Juliet had said to him.

Can she be next? Jack took another drink, the liquid burning the sting in his chest as he thought of his sister parted from her son. Aaron. Aaron. Was he the offering? Was Jack supposed to bring the baby back?

He flicks his phone open and dials the familiar number.

"Hello," the woman's voice answers.

"Hello? It's me, whoa, whoa, wait, don't, don't hang up please. I know what you said, I just, I just need to see you, please?"

"Ok," Kate sighs, "The usual place?"

"Yeah, yeah out at the airport. You know where."

"Fine Jack," Kate tells him.

"Thank you."

Jack drives to the airport and steps out as another car approaches. Out of the darkness Kate appears like a ray of hope.

"Hey," she says.

"Hey."

"Saw you on the news. Still pulling people out of burning wreckage huh?"

"Old habits."

"You look terrible."

Jack laughs trying to get through this, "Thanks."

"Why did you call me Jack?" she cuts to the chase.

He hands her the worn newspaper clipping.

"I was hoping that you'd heard. That maybe you'd go to the funeral."

"Why would I go to the funeral?"

He ignores her question, trying to keep focused on why he asked her out her, "I've been flying a lot."

"What?"

He tells her about how he uses the golden pass, how he suddenly finds himself praying for planes to crash, how he doesn't care if everyone else on board dies as long as he can find the island again. Kate stares, tears in her eyes. This man before her isn't the Jack Shephard she knew. He's broken and she has no idea how to fix him. He was supposed to fix her, that's how it was supposed to go. It scares her and she itches to run.

"This is not gonna change," she says sadly but assuredly.

"No," he shouts, "I'm sick of lying. We made a mistake."

"I have to go. He's gonna be wondering where I am."

"We were not supposed to leave," he tells her grabbing her to make her listen.

"Yes, we were," she responds releasing herself.

"Goodbye, Jack," she tells him.

"We have to go back, Kate!"

She doesn't say anymore, she only gets in her car and leaves him.

"We have to go back!"

He waits before realizing Kate wasn't going to change her mind and return. At that moment Jack didn't know where to turn so he went to the only place that felt like home. He went to St. Sebastian's hospital. Staggering through the halls, he ignores the looks of the staff and patients. He knows he's drunk, stoned, but he doesn't care. He's Dr. Jack Fucking Shephard, and he has a right to wallow in drink and pills. They don't know what he's been through, he thinks as he makes it to his office and falls into his chair, they don't have a clue.

He spins in his chair to face the wall; a calendar hangs in front, mocking him.

"Excuse me," a woman's voice behind him interrupts.

"What?" he asks sharply, not bothering to turn around.

"Are you Dr. Shephard?"

"Yeah, what of it?" he asks spinning around, "Do you want an autograph or something?"

The well groomed woman wrinkles her nose when she gets a whiff of the booze seeping out of his pours.

"I need your help Doctor," she explains.

"Make an appointment with my secretary. That is, if you have a referral," he says motioning her away.

"No. You don't understand Dr. Shephard," she tells him closing the door behind them and stepping forward, "My name is Penelope Widmore. I need you to help me find the island."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 2

**Chp 8**

"It's no use," Jack tells Penny, "The Island's lost."

She digs into her bag and throws what appears to be a diary on the desk in front of him.

"What's this?" he asks.

"The key," she tells him as he holds it in his hand. The leather bound book is old and fragile, it pages yellowed by time.

"It's the log book of an old trade's ship called the Black Rock," Penny explains.

Jack's eyes widen as they lift up to look at her. She pulls a chair up to him.

"You know the ship don't you?"

Jack nods, "Yes, yes."

"It has the coordinates to the island. I already have a boat on its way. We only need to fly out to it."

Jack rubs his hands over his eyes, trying to take this all in. He breathes deeply.

"Then what exactly do you need me for?" he wants to know.

"My father, he'll be watching me," she begins, "He obtained the journal at auction, out bidding an anonymous caller."

Jack looked deeply into her eyes, recognition between them.

"Yes, Benjamin Linus," she told him continuing, "I stole the journal from my father a few days ago. He'll follow us if we can't otherwise disengage him."

"Sorry? I'm not following Miss Widmore."

"Call me Penny and I'll call you Jack if that's alright?"

He shakes his head in agreement.

"My father has been complaining of some neck and spinal pain recently," she told him and pulled out a set of x-rays, handing them to him. Jack takes them and holds them up to the light. He sees a tumour located on the L-4 vertebrae. He smirks at the coincidence because that's what it has to be, a coincidence.

"Your father has a tumour on his spine, is it cancerous?" he asked, "Has he had a biopsy?"

Penny nods. "I want you to do the surgery, and I want you to…"

"Kill him?"

"Good heavens no, after all he's still my father," she says but her eyes grow dark and lidded, "But perhaps you can incapacitate him some how?"

"Are you asking me to deliberately paralyze your own father?" he asks astonished.

"You can make it look like an accident, I'd protect you."

Memories of flash cards and videos that turn out not to be To Kill A Mocking Bird run through his mind. If only he had listened to Juliet then, maybe he'd have her here now, in his arms instead of this. This madness and despair. Jack shakes his head.

"I don't know," he started to say before she jumped in.

"It wouldn't be forever, I don't care about the island. Once I have Desmond, and you get everyone else off, he can have it. Let it heal him."

"Heal him?"

"Like it did Ben," she said.

"I fixed Ben," he told her.

"Did you Dr. Shephard? In a run down facility, a fertility doctor to assist, a post-op infection, did you fix Benjamin Linus?"

Jack stared at the woman before him, ruthless yet beautiful, like another he left behind. His head ached and his body craved the bottle.

"It doesn't really matter what we believe Jack," she pressed on, "All that really matters is Desmond. And Juliet."

"How do you know about Juliet?"

"I know a lot of things Jack. I know she's pregnant."

"Who told you that?" he demands to know, getting close to her, towering over her with rage ready to burst out.

"It doesn't matter, will you help me Jack, will you help Juliet?" she asked.

"It's too late," he choked, fighting back the tears and despair, "She's too far along, we'll never get there on time. She's probably already dead."

"You need to believe Jack, have faith, for once in your life believe."

…..

Juliet sat at her kitchen table, papers scattered before her, brow scrunched in concentration as she chewed on the cap of her pen.

"Knock, knock," the sweet Aussie voice called at the entranceway.

"Come on in Claire," Juliet said waving her in as she rose from her chair.

"Don't get up;" Claire said before taking a seat across from her, "I remember how hard it was to lift yourself up."

Juliet smiled, her nose crinkling as her hand went over her burgeoning belly, "Well I'm not that big yet, but I'm getting there."

Claire laughed, "The second trimester was my favourite, it was the easiest."

"Really?" Juliet wondered looking down at her work.

She was charting the progress of the drug treatment along with her pregnancy for future reference. It was strange being your own test subject.

"I didn't mean," Claire said suddenly realizing Juliet's fears, "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, really," Juliet laughed, "I was only thinking of the constant heartburn."

"God yeah, I remember," Claire said and they smiled at each other.

Sawyer swaggered into the room and headed to the fridge to grab another Dharma beer, "Whatcha all talking about?" he asked.

"Heartburn," Juliet said.

He sighed loudly, "Look Blondie 1 and 2," he started as he plopped down on a chair, "I'm telling you, Jack will be back."

Claire swiped him across the head with a notepad, "She said heartburn, not heartache you dummy."

Juliet and Claire burst into laughter.

…..

"This is where you live?" Penny asked her shoes kicking aside the strewn maps to see the dirty floor.

"Yeah," Jack nodded, "You'll have to excuse the mess, I've been otherwise preoccupied."

"Right then," Penny nodded and looked around, "Where do you keep it?'

"Keep what?"

"The alcohol," she said than added, "And the pills, all of them."

"Whaaa…"

"If we're going to do this, you have to get clean. Cold turkey, starting now."

"What makes you think your father will agree to me doing the surgery anyway?" he asked digging behind the sofa and under the sink for the whiskey.

"Because you're a famous surgeon. Even before all this happened," she told him as she drained the bottles down the sink, "You fixed your ex-wife Sarah. They said it was a miracle."

Jack frowned at the memory.

"And he knows who you are. Where you were, he'll agree, you leave that up to me."

Jack stood in his kitchen watching her dump his only means of escape down the sink, feeling surreal. Was this really happening? Was he really here, living through this?

"There," she said then held out her hand, "Now give me the pills you're keeping from me."

"I, I gave you everything," he stammered.

"You can lie to yourself Jack but not to me. Now hand them over."

He hesitated.

"Which do you love more, the pills or Juliet and your unborn baby?"

Jack dug into his pants' pockets and passed her the few pills he had let fall out of the bottle discreetly.

"I'm supposed to be a better liar than this," he chuckled.

"You're a lot like my Des. Both stubborn. But your eyes give you both away," she said and wagged her finger from side to side, "They flutter, not quite focused when you lie."

"Ha," he laughed knowing she was right.

"It's going to be a tough few days for you," she told him, "Why don't you go have a shower. I'll help you shave after. That lumberjack beard has got to go."

…..

Charlotte and Daniel were running some tests on the island's soil and water. They were looking for any ambiguities, something that could explain the place's unique properties.

"Hey guys," Juliet said as she walked in for her weekly blood test.

Charlotte quickly gathered their things and hid them in her files. It didn't go unnoticed by Juliet, her blue eyes narrowing as her expression slipped into a non expressive mask. But she had other priorities, like surviving and bringing her child safely into the world.

"Juliet, hey," Dan said in his soft, quirky tone, "You're early."

"Couldn't sleep," she told him with a half smile.

"Aren't you feeling alright?" Charlotte asked feigning interest.

"Just some back ache," she told her.

"Is that all?" Daniel inquired already getting the syringe for her blood test ready, "No symptoms? Headaches, shortness of breath?"

"No, just the usual pregnancy complaints."

"I bet your breasts are sore, they've become gianormous," Charlotte blurted out.

"Charlotte!" Daniel chastised but she shrugged.

"They are a bit tender," Juliet admitted as her thoughts wandered to Jack's mouth on her breasts, his tongue and his fingers. The sudden prick of the needle jolted her back.

"Well you look healthy," Daniel said as he prepared the slide with her sample, "And you're almost at the end of your last trimester."

"Yes," she said longing for her lost love and praying for his return.

…..

The first couple of days were fine, almost like nothing were different. Jack only had some trouble sleeping, fitful dreams when his eyes did close. He thought it would be easy, he should have known better. By the third day of detox Jack felt he was in a nightmare. He couldn't stand the sight of her, snapping every time Penny offered him some water or food.

"Just go away," he barked at her.

"I won't. I won't leave you so you can drown your sorrows in booze and pills, not when you have work to do," she told him calmly and quietly.

"Do you have to talk that way?" he asked pacing his living room floor, wishing his work was done, wishing it was all done.

"Which way is that Jack?"

"So god damn condescending," he snapped, "And with that accent."

Penelope smirked, but her eyes were kind, soft and empathetic, like Juliet's. He hated that about her, hated how this woman reminded him so much of Juliet. Juliet, he thought as a stabbing pain ran across his skull.

"Son of a bitch," he cried, his trembling fingers going to his temple.

"Shall I get you some aspirin?" she asked.

"Are you serious? Is aspirin supposed to help?"

"With the headache, yes," she told him.

Jack laughed and accepted the pain killers, remembering how he gave Charlie the same pills for heroin withdrawal.

"Why don't you go lie down then," Penny suggested. He nodded and headed to bed.

When Jack awoke the next day, his body ached. Every muscle felt tense, his shoulders and back were tender and his head pounded with a fierce migraine. He groaned as he turned on his side, the glare from the alarm clock numbers stinging his eyes.

"Juliet," he called out in disappointment.

"Jack?" Penny came in calling.

"Juliet," he repeated. She held her hand against his forehead. He was hot with a slight fever.

"I'm so sorry," he mumbled.

"Shh, go to sleep," Penny cooed.

"Forgive me Juliet," he told her.

"It's Penny, Jack. You have a fever. Close your eyes. It will soon pass."

"Tell me," he said,

"Tell you what Jack?" she asked.

"Tell me you forgive me. Tell me so I can go."

"Rest Jack, rest," she said and went to the washroom. She passed a towel under the cold water and rung it out. When she came back to the room, Jack was thrashing under the covers, moaning in pain and unable to get comfortable. She placed her hand on his arm to still him, placing the cool cloth on his forehead. His shaking hand went to her hair, running his fingers through it.

"You should have listened to me, you should have come home with me," he cried, the tears running down his cheek.

"It's going to be okay," Penny said softly, her hand caressing his hair. He swiped it away.

"You're not her," he lashed out, "You're not her!"

"I know," Penny told him, kneeling at the bed beside him.

"Don't touch me," he yelled pushing her away, "Leave me alone, let me just die."

"Jack," Penny started her voice sad and low.

"I just want to be with her," he cried.

"You will be, soon."

Jack scratched at the skin of his arms. He felt like a thousand ants were crawling just under the surface.

"Here," Penny said cupping his cheek and placing another aspirin on his tongue. She lifted the back of his head with her hand and held a glass of water to his lips. Jack took a few sips and then fell back against the pillow.

"I want to sleep now," he told her, she lifted herself up and left the room, closing the door behind him, leaving Jack alone in the dark.

…..

Juliet tossed in her sleep. The night was muggy, and her open window offered little relief from the humidity. The Others had everything but central air, she mused. Juliet got up and stood in front of the blowing fan. Goose bumps appeared as the wind hit her damp skin.

She ran her fingers through her hair and tied it into a loose bun. Her thoughts wandered to the feverish nights she spent on the beach with Jack, kissing him in the dark, tasting his salty ocean bathed skin. She missed him, more over she ached for him. Her whole body pulsed at the memory of his fingers.

**Dearest Jack,**

**I ache for you on these long summer nights. My dreams take me down the path to your tent, where I used to creep in the night to lie by your side. You would always act surprised but I knew you lay feigning sleep, waiting for me to come. Lying on your back, your arm over your head, waiting for me to make the first move. You'd watch me as I hovered over you, lifting my shirt and tossing it aside. My skin glistened in the fire light as the rise and swell of my breast excited you. As my body moved over yours, you'd feel my wet arousal and your heart would beat faster.**

**I long for these nights, when the heat wouldn't bother me because nothing was as hot as our passion. I long for my fingers to traipse over the flesh of your skin, to feel the hard muscles of your body, to play cat and mouse with you, tease you until your shaft sprang to life. To feel your hand on my neck, your eyes glowing as I took you in my hand, stroking you softly from base to head. You'd push me down, wanting my lips on you but instead I'd blow gently as you moaned in pleasure and frustration.**

**I can almost taste the first drop from your opening. I want so much to paint my lips with it before bringing my mouth down on you completely. Your hips would thrust up to meet my mouth, but you were always gentle, always careful with me. How I loved to make you hard, to feel you thrash beneath me until you pleaded than demanded it was your turn to taste me. My scent was intoxicating, you'd say, as you flicked your tongue over my lips and dart into the folds. My hips push forward now, into empty space, hoping to meet you.**

**I can see you in the darkness some times, my mind playing tricks on me and I reach out to kiss your neck, the hollow of your shoulder, your stomach. I can practically feel your body, your cock hovering just out of reach, swollen and needing to be inside me. I want to slowly ease myself onto you, feel the shock course through your body as you twist inside me and groan my name. I want to glide up and down, my hands grasping your chest, my head thrown back, hair cascading down my back as I ride you, feel you thrust into me as our rhythm sets.**

**I want to feel your strong hands again, clutch at my ass, grinding me into you until they flip me over and spread me wide. You keep me that way as you feast on my breasts, my hips rolling under your onslaught, both our breathing coming faster as you sink your fingers in my hair and I rake mine down your back until we explode.**

**I want that again Jack, just rhythm and pleasure and desire washing over us in waves. I want you again. Come to me Jack Shephard, come to me.**

…..

Jack moans in his sleep, as he feels Juliet's kiss in his fevered dreams.

"Wait for me," he calls out in his sleep, "Please wait for me Juliet."


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 2

**Chp. 9**

"Ready?" Penelope asks just outside a London private hospital room.

Jack takes a deep breath, holds out his steady hands as proof, and nods.

"Here we go then," she says and opens the door.

"Daddy?" she calls all smiles and sweetness.

"Angel, you're here," her father answers lifting himself up onto his pillows.

"I found him father," she tells him, motioning for Jack to come closer to the bed, "The doctor that's going to make you all better."

"Dr. Shephard in the flesh," Charles says and extends his hand, "I've heard so much about you."

"And how are you feeling Mr. Widmore?" Jack asks shaking the man's hand before lifting up his chart. It's easier to burry his face in vitals and test results, easier than to look the man in the eyes and pretend he's not there to cripple a man.

"Oh I've been better," Widmore tells him shifting and wincing slightly. Penny fluffs her father's pillow.

"It's okay now Dad. Dr. Shephard is going to fix you. Isn't that right Jack?" she says looking at him determinedly.

"Fix you, yes," he says.

…..

Juliet felt a slight stab of pain run across her stomach. She winced grabbing onto the bar of the swing set outside the Others' homes.

"You all right there?" Sawyer and Claire came jogging over, concern in his voice.

"Yeah, I'm fine James," she said wiping the sweat from her brow with her sleeve.

"You look pale," Claire said.

"And in pain," Sawyer added.

"It's nothing, just some Braxton hicks."

Sawyer scrunched his brow as he looked at her.

Those are sort of like fake contractions," Claire explained.

"I read," Sawyer snidely remarked, "I know what they are. But are you sure that's what's happening Juliet?"

"Yes James. I'm fine, really," she said not doing a very good job at convincing him, "Just a test run that's all," she chuckled rubbing her belly.

"You should still go lie down," Claire told her.

Juliet began to protest but Claire insisted.

"Well I could probably use a nap," she said and headed towards her house.

"Hey Claire," Sawyer said stopping her from walking back to hanging laundry.

"Yeah?"

"When did you start having them? You know the fake contractions?"

Claire bit her bottom lip, "Not till well into my last month."

Sawyer stared back at Juliet's house before turning his worried gaze back to Claire.

"But every pregnancy is different. I'm sure if something was wrong, Juliet would say something."

"Yeah," Sawyer nodded but he couldn't fight the growing knot building in his stomach.

……

Jack stared at the X-rays one last time before heading to the scrub room. He was nervous, something he hadn't felt before surgery since his internship. His mind wandered to those days as he washed his hands.

"1, 2, 3…" he began to count.

"Doctor?" the head nurse called out.

"Huh?" he said.

"Did you need something?"

"Need?"

"You were saying something, I didn't quite catch it," she said holding the gloves out for him to slip into.

"No," Jack said," Just count…nope nothing. Let's go," he said and entered the operating room.

Charles Widmore lay flat on his stomach.

"Are you ready Mr. Widmore?" Jack asked bending down to face his patient.

"Yes Dr. Shephard," he answered.

"Nervous?" the nurse asked with a warm, soothing smile.

"No, not at all," Widmore exclaimed, "Dr. Shephard here is going to make sure that I dance at my daughter's wedding. That is when she find's the right man."

The nurse laughed as the anesthesiologist began his work. Jack glanced up to the observation deck at Penny. She nodded encouragement as Jack let out a deep breath.

"Count backwards from 20 Mr. Widmore," Jack said.

…..

Juliet laid down her pen and sadly folded her letter to Jack. She wiped away the tears from her eyes as she placed the sheets into the envelope.

"My love," she whispered before placing it in the drawer beside the bundle of the other letters tied neatly with a purple ribbon. With one hand on her back, the other on the chair's arm rest, she hoisted herself onto her feet. She grimaced as another stab of pain hit her. Concentrating on her breathing she made it to her bed and laid down.

"Some sleep," she thought to herself as she closed her eyes, "All I need is some sleep."

Sawyer awoke with a start. The heavy rain fall tapped furiously at the living room window. He sat up on the sofa, his novel Fortune's Daughter slipping from his chest and hitting the floor with a thump. He groaned as he bent to pick it up, his muscles stiff and sore from falling asleep on the couch.

"James," a weak voice called in the dark.

He barely heard it, dismissing it as the wind playing tricks on him and he went towards the kitchen for a drink.

"James," the voice cried out laced with despair and need.

"Juliet?" he called out.

"Help me," she said as another cramp brought her to her knees at the staircase landing.

Sawyer ran up them, two steps at a time as lay huddled, her hand on her stomach.

"What's wrong?" he asked pulling the hair from her face.

"My water broke," she said her hand clutching at his t-shit in pain.

…..

The operation was going according to plan, the patient doing well. Jack was just about to remove the tumour. If he was going to follow through and paralyze Widmore, now was the time to do it. A simple millimeter slip and no one would be the wiser. Sweat gathered at his brow as he looked up to the observation room. Penny leaned into the glass, hands pressed together in anticipation.

"Trust me," she mouthed and Jack was transported to the island, back to dingy operation rooms and back to Juliet.

_The steady beat of the heart monitor let them know Ben was alive, for now. Tom looked over at Juliet, calm, her fears, her concerns, never betrayed on that ice cold face. Turning his gaze to Jack he saw a wildness in his eyes, an animal backed into a corner, willing to do anything even kill Ben. But Juliet knew better as she turned to the Other they called Ivan._

_"Go get Danny, then find Austen and Ford and bring them back."_

_"No," Jack shouted at him, "You do that and Ben dies."_

_"Go," Juliet calmly repeated._

_"You think I'm lying?" Jack questioned, "You think this is a bluff? I will let him die."_

_"No, Jack you won't," Juliet said stepping in front of Ben's open body._

_She looked straight into Jack's eyes, into his very soul and saw him for who he truly was. Turning confidently to Tom she told him, "Don't let him fool you. He'll never let a patient just die."_

Jack smiled behind his surgical mask at the memory. Juliet had him pegged from the moment she told him he was stubborn. It was more than just facts gathered and memorized from his file, she knew him in a way no one else did.

"Let's stitch him up and get Mr. Widmore into recovery," he told his assistant.

"Well?" Penny asked as Jack, now dressed in street clothes came running towards her.

"I didn't do it," he said.

"What?" a horrified Penny asked.

"I couldn't, I couldn't just knowingly paralyze a patient."

Penny looked defeatingly at the ground before raising her head back up to look Jack in the eye.

"Now what?" she said.

"He'll be immobile for awhile, drugged into a stupor with pain medication," he said.

"Now we run, we ring for the island," Jack said grabbing her hand and speeding their way out of the hospital.

….

Sawyer scooped Juliet up into his arms. He could see she was already bleeding and weak, her eyes glazed with pain. He ran out the door and into the rain screaming at the top of his lungs.

"Bernard, Daniel!" he cried while heading as fast as he could towards the labs.

"What's going on?" Claire asked sleepily stepping outside onto her veranda.

"Oh my god," she let out waking up sharply as she saw Juliet limp in Sawyer's arms.

"Go get the Dentist and Dan. Juliet's in labour," he shouted over the thunder.

Claire was already running, banging on Rose's and Bernard's door before he could finish his sentence. Daniel, still awake and pouring over research, heard he commotion outside and came to investigate.

"You have to help her," Sawyer said as they ran together and into the labs.

"Juliet, Juliet," Daniel said as Sawyer laid her down on a table.

She was drifting in and out but managed to turn her attention towards Dan.

"When did your contractions start? Do you know how far apart they are?"

She shook her head, "Jack," she called out weakly.

Sawyer and Daniel exchanged a worried glance as Bernard, Claire, Rose and Charlotte came charging in.

"What's wrong?" Bernard asked.

"She's in labour," Dan said.

"Claire, Charlotte come help me get some clean towels and boil some water," Rose said.

"Me?" Charlotte exclaimed, "I don't know anything about babies."

"Listen here Red," Rose warned, "If you don't want me to pop you right here, right now, you best do as I say."

Charlotte opened her mouth to say something when Daniel pleaded with her silently.

"Fine, what do I do?" she asked following Rose and Claire.

Bernard put his hands on Juliet's stomach and frowned.

"The baby's moved," he said.

"Moved? Moved where?" Sawyer asked as Juliet groaned Jack's name as another contraction hit her.

"Into the birth canal James," Daniel said, "It's too soon, too soon," he mumbled as he fidgeted nervously.

"Juliet," Bernard kindly whispered, taking a damp cloth from his wife and mopping her brow.

"Jack," she said.

"No, honey. It's me, Bernard, can you hear me?" he asked.

"Where's Jack?" she said.

"Juliet, try and focus. Your baby is coming."

Juliet's eyes fought to focus on the kind hearted dentist as her mind raced.

"James, I want to talk to James," she said.

"Soon, but first…"

"No!" she said sharply sitting up on her elbows, "I want to talk to James, now!"

"I'm her Blondie, calm down," Sawyer said pushing Daniel and Bernard aside.

"Listen to me James," she fought to say through gritted teeth, "In my drawer, my bedroom. The desk drawer."

"Listen, try and save your strength," he said but she grabbed his hand tightly.

"In my drawer James, are you listening?"

"Yeah, yeah, your desk drawer," he said.

"There are letters, tied with a ribbon and another one beside it."

Sawyer knew where this was heading and he frowned in disapproval.

"She's bleeding, a lot," Bernard whispered from behind him at the others.

"If I," Juliet began choking on the words, "If I die, I want you to add that other letter to the pile and give them all to Jack."

"Don't be stupid," Sawyer snapped, hiding his own emotions, "You're not going to die."

"Promise me James; promise me you'll give all the letters to Jack."

Sawyer didn't want to make anymore promises he couldn't keep. He had promised Jack he'd watch over Juliet and now look where that got her. But Juliet wouldn't let it go.

"Promise me damn it!" she cried begging with him as her labour pains intensified.

"Okay, okay. I promise," he said.

"Swear," she said.

"I swear Juliet. I swear I'll give the letters to Jack."

"Good," she sighed and squeezed his hand, "You won't let go will you? You won't leave?" she asked, fear laced in her voice.

"No," he said going around to stand behind her head and taking both her hands in his, "I'm here," Sawyer said laughing in his head at the irony. He wasn't present at his own daughter's birth but he wasn't going to leave the mother of Jack's baby to go through this alone.

"I'm ready to push now," Juliet told Bernard.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 2

**Chp 10**

It was quiet and still as they made their way through the foliage, the heat of the sun beating down on their unprotected heads. Jack wiped the sweat from his brow before thankfully accepting the water bottle from Penny. They plowed on with all the speed their weary bodies could muster. So quiet, not a sound could be heard as if the world stood still and only they moved.

Jack's soul lay heavy; he knew what the silence meant. He closed his eyes and wished for noise, any noise as the heavens opened and rain fell upon them.

"Penny?" the Scottish brogue cut through the air as the two of them made their way into the clearing that opened out onto Otherville.

"Oh my God! Penny is that you?"

"Des? Desmond!" Penny cried pushing her way through the rain to meet him.

He was wearing a yellow raincoat, running from one house to the other when he saw two figures rustling the bushes. Something in him instinctively told him not to draw his gun.

"Penny," he said pushing her wet hair from her face to look into her blue eyes. Three and a half years since he starred into those glorious eyes of hers.

"Don't just stand there you fool," Penny laughed, "Kiss me."

Desmond laughed and brought his lips to hers, sweet bliss coursed through them both as the sun burst through the clouds once more.

"What's all the commotion about out here?" Sawyer inquired, gun in hand as he stepped off his porch and onto the grass. Jack's eyes locked onto his, freezing Sawyer to the spot where he stood. A hushed silence fell around them as everyone was afraid to breathe.

"Juliet?" Jack finally asked after letting out the air trapped tightly in his lungs.

Sawyer's gaze fell along with his head, limply to the wet grass. He couldn't face him, couldn't look at Jack and tell him. But he didn't have to, Jack already knew in his heart, in his soul. He couldn't feel her presence anymore.

Jack's knees buckled and he came crashing to the ground, a desperate cry from deep within escaping his lips. Shattered was his soul. Penny looked at Desmond who simply shook his head sadly.

"Oh no, we're too late," she whispered but she needn't of. Jack was oblivious to anyone or any sound around him. He was breaking, falling into the black void of grief as his shoulders shook with his audible sobs. Sawyer was afraid to touch him, his hand hovering in front, shaking with regret and fear. He didn't know how to comfort Jack.

"We tried," he said, taking a small tentative step closer to Jack, "But there was so much blood, so much…" Sawyer's voice drifted as the memory of Juliet struggling to give birth flashed before him.

_"Come on Juliet," Bernard cried, "You're crowning, you need to push."_

_"I can't," she whimpered, "I'm so tired, so tired," she said drifting, her eyes fluttering to a close._

_Daniel had already hooked Charlotte up with a transfusion tube. Her eyes were wide with fear ever since she realized she had the same blood type as Juliet. But the feisty red head had stepped up and volunteered the information after seeing all the blood; she wanted to do her part to save Juliet._

_"Juliet, Juliet!" Sawyer called squeezing her hands tightly._

_"What?" she asked softly._

_"Juliet, the head is blue, you need to push, you need to get the baby out," Bernard emphasized his urgency._

_"Come on Blondie," Sawyer encouraged, "I know you can do it."_

_Juliet dug deep inside to find the last ounce of strength and pushed with all her might. The baby's cry brought a sigh of relief to everyone in the room. Juliet fell back against Sawyer's chest._

_"James," she said quietly._

_"Yeah Goldilocks?" he asked trying to keep his tears in check._

_"Tell Jack I love him."_

Sawyer swallowed his emotion.

"Jack?" he asked not sure if any of this was getting through to him.

Jack starred out into open space, quiet now, drained of all feeling.

"Jack," Penny said but he didn't respond, still crumpled on the muddy ground, his chin fallen onto his chest. A small cry was heard from behind him as soft footsteps approached.

"Jack," the familiar Australian voice called as a baby cried louder now in her arms.

Jack struggled to his feet and blinked away the blurriness his tears had caused. He watched as Claire approached him, the little pink bundle wailing in her arms.

"Her name is Norah," she said holding his daughter out for him to hold.

Jack blinked again, somewhat stunned at the baby before him. He never expected his child to have survived.

"Norah?" he repeated taking the tiny life into his strong arms and cradling her head in the nook of his elbow.

She starred up at him with big blue eyes, a tuft of blonde hair already upon her head. Her cries stopped as if she knew she was in her father's arms and safe.

"Norah Shephard," Claire said, "Juliet thought it had a nice ring to it. She picked out names with me. Andrew for a boy, Norah for a girl," Claire told him with a small, sad smile as she recalled all those nights the two women bonded over babies. It had made Claire feel somewhat closer to Aaron somehow.

"I have something," Sawyer said, clearing his throat afraid to break the moment but remembering his promise, "Something Juliet wanted you to have."

….

Sawyer led Jack to Juliet's old bedroom and put the bundle of letters into his hands. With trembling fingers Jack pulled the purple ribbon, letting the envelopes cascade across the bed he sat upon.

"She wanted you to have them," Sawyer said before heading to the door.

"Sawyer," Jack said stopping the Southerner.

"Yeah Doc?" Sawyer asked.

"Thank you," Jack told him as Sawyer's eyes filled with tears. He quickly brushed them away.

"I didn't do anything," he answered his voice full of sorrow, "Nothing that changed what happened."

Jack nodded, "Neither did I."

The two men shared a moment of quiet guilt and regret. Both of them failing to keep their promises. It would be a sad life long bond between them.

"You haven't asked me about her yet," Jack said holding the first letter in his hand, prolonging the moment before he read Juliet's final words to him.

"Who Kate?" Sawyer inquired as Jack nodded yes, "That's a closed book."

"Yeah," Jack agreed.

"One more thing," Jack said just as Sawyer stepped out into the hall, "Can you tell Claire to come up in a little while. I have something important to tell her."

"About Aaron?" Sawyer asked.

"Among other things," Jack said.

"Sure thing Jack," Sawyer said and closed the door.

Jack's daughter, Juliet's final gift to him, lay sleeping snuggled between pillows beside him as he read. Tears ran down his face as he picked up the last letter. He pulled the scented sheet of paper out and brought it to his lips, kissing it before reading its words, her words to him.

**Dearest Jack,**

**If you are reading this now then I am gone. Our love torn by death. Where ever I am now, know that I ache to be near you, that I grieve this parting and that I tried to stay. But alas, life and death have been cruel and our time cut too short. But one day soon, my darling, you'll be coming home to me and we will be together forever.**

**Until then I do not want you to live in pain. Do not be bitter about the choices you've made. No regrets. We both thought we were doing the right thing and we did. Because of our choices many were saved and that is what's important. That Ben did not win, and he didn't, for look at the glorious life we have brought into this world.**

**I wish sometimes that we would have done what we hoped. That night we lay looking up at the stars, the others asleep in their tents. You held out two stones, on e white and one black. You gave me the black one, saying it represented you and you kept the white, saying its light was like the beacon of hope I brought into your life. I clutch the stone now, in its velvet pouch, recalling our dream that night.**

**You said you felt like leaving it all behind. Taking my hand and running to the caves, making a home there, just you and I. Our own little Eden I called it. We laughed knowing you would never abandon your sense of duty to the others. I loved you for that. And as I place my hand on my stomach, your child kicking inside me, I'm grateful for I know you'll do right by our baby.**

**I cheated one day, and found out it was a girl. I just needed to know, I wanted to imagine in my mind's eye just once, you me and our little girl, together. **

**Love her Jack, as you have loved me, unconditionally. Do not fear being a father, you will be wonderful; I just know it in my heart.**

**I am sorry I had to leave the two of you alone. And already I miss the hours we three will not share. The nights you and I would have had once she had fallen safely to sleep. The kisses you would have placed on my lips, the touches your hands would have given me.**

**But soon our love will once again be joined and free. Until then, until our souls meet again, know that I loved you, I always will and I didn't regret a moment. So please my beautiful, precious love, don't look back in anger.**

**Yours now and forever,**

**Juliet.**

**The End.**

**Epilogue**

(Dedicated to Lu)

**18 years later**

The plane was coming in for a landing on the white sandy beach.

"Thank you Aaron," the pretty blonde said looking over at her cousin, "Thanks for coming with me and doing this."

"Anything for you Norah, and Uncle Jack of course," he said.

"But are you sure this is what they really wanted?" he asked her.

Norah looked back at the simple coffins and wiped a tear from the corner of her eye.

"Yes," she said, "Daddy often spoke of the caves. He always said it would have been their perfect place, their Eden."

"Then they'll be happy there," Aaron said squeezing his cousin's hand.

"I just hope Aunt Claire understands. I know she didn't want us to come back to the island," Norah said as the plane came to a rolling stop.

"Don't worry about Mom; Dad's taking her to Paris for a romantic second honeymoon. He say's it's guaranteed to get her mind off of her brother's death and this," Aaron said.

Norah smiled and laughed a little, "James always has a solution for everything doesn't he?"

"That's Dad alright," Aaron said as they watched the men lift the two coffins out.

"Which way Mr. Littleton?" they asked.

"We follow the lady," he said and Norah stepped into the jungle, her father's map in hand.

They laid them side by side in one of the caves. Juliet miraculously in tact beside her lover Jack.

"Ready to go?" Aaron asked as the sun set in the horizon.

"One last thing," Norah said pulling out a velvet pouch. She fondled the two stones one last time before placing it on her father.

"This belongs to you," she said before kissing her father goodbye, "I love you Daddy and Mommy. May you rest in peace."


End file.
